There is a horizon

My father has always played an extra in my life
He chose to practice abandonment and convenience.
When I was nine, we got ice cream once a week
or dinner or a movie
I was 10 when I stopped hearing from him
12 the next time he called
and 15 the next time I saw him.

A younger version of me wondered why.
I thought of all the possibilities
I realized my father’s actions do not define my worth
They define his.

I did not have to spend much time
convincing myself-
I did not need the love of a conman-
I do not want conditional love.
But shouldn’t he need me to survive?

Accepting that he doesn’t
was the ultimate heartbreak.

I taught myself,
I am worth more
than the love
he is willing to give-
but heartbreak always leaves scars.

I learned to showcase the best parts of me-
the parts that make me easy to like
the parts that make a person want to stay-
the way a synopsis lures you into reading a book.

I want to be a New York Best Seller
so I edit some chapters out.

I am afraid otherwise
people would think:
“too many character flaws”.

They would touch my spine, open me for a moment
and decide my genre was not their taste.
They would put me back on the shelf.
I would collect dust.

            (I met a boy who is not much for books
but he found my plot interesting.

            He decided to check me out.

            I sit on his nightstand
and every once in a while
he opens me up.

            Some days, it seems,
he is taking his time
to really know my content-

            he pays attention to detail
and reads between my lines.

            Some days, it seems,
he is merely skimming my pages
to pass time.

            On those days,
when he closes me,
I feel like I’ll never been opened again.

            I am long overdue-
I shouldn’t-
but I let him keep me on his nightstand,

            I am still collecting dust.)

I have found
there are things much worse than dust.

When you leave chapters out
your story never really gets told.
People will think they know you
think they understand you
but they only understand the version you gave them.
You will feel lonely
it will be your own fault.
Maybe you wont be everyone’s favorite book
but dust can be wiped off.
Loneliness?
It will drag you into a riptide
the shore will seem impossible to reach

Loneliness will take you too far out,
too deep,
for someone to come and save you.

You will drown
for what feels like forever.

You will have to chose-
sink or swim?

I have spent a lot of time caught in that current
Drowning in that current

Most days it is hard for me to breath
Most days I do not think I can swim any longer
Most days it feels like a horizon does not exist

I have to remind myself it does.

A place filled with peace
where the sun kisses the earth
and sheds too much light for demons to survive.

I used to live there.

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